Ah, medication.
You can love it or hate it. Or be somewhere in the middle.
The major problem with medication for psychological problems is the side effects. They are many and horrible. And another bad thing, they take a while to work, so you need to take them for months before you can try something else.
Personally, I love my pills. They’re not an instant fix, which would have been nice, but they make my life a lot more bearable. Before, I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Every little bump in the road might as well have been a mountain. I hated my life and no therapist could convince me it was worth living.
Then came the pills. (Yay!) My shrink put me on Venlafaxine. It was just plain weird! Suddenly I was angry and bitter and moody. I was none of those things. Ever. E-ver. I was thrown for a loop, but stuck with it. The crying lessened and my moods in general started to even out. I became somewhat flat, which is a well known side effect. After three months I was still depressed, but I felt much calmer and even headed. Just better in general. That ever present layer of sadness had lessened significantly.
I was one of the lucky few who had found the ‘right’ medication on the first try. I know of many others who have struggled for years to find something that worked without too many unintended effects. Not that I didn’t have any side effects!
I noticed (and still have) many problems with the pills that I wished weren’t there. I dream the weirdest things, have night sweats and my libido is rather limited. To name a few. Those are generally mild side effects, but they bother me. Even so, I never tried a different type of medication for fear of worse problems
The bigger problem pops up when I forget a dose. Because let me tell you, that sucks! I get tired and dizzy and it’s horrible. I try my best to NEVER forget to take the pills. But I do… And when you’re at work and you can barely keep your eyes open and can’t walk to the bathroom without hitting the floor, you suddenly realise that these pills have a big impact on your life.
Now, I must admit that I would put up with a lot worse to keep the benefits of this medication. However, I can also see why others might be discouraged by things like this. It indicates the enormous mess these types of medicine make in your brain. And that can be scary.
But I fear my life without these pills far more. I have never been classically suicidal, but I have wished to not exist more times than I can count. I still wish for that quite often, but a bit of my old desperation has faded. I feel a teeny tiny bit more hopeful that I can eventually learn to function again. I am more open towards my therapists, because I want to be better and I hope that they can help me. I try to be honest with myself so that I can be helped.
Some see my need for medication to live my life as a weakness or even as a poison I am feeding myself. I see it as a crutch to get through another day and talk to another therapist. One day I’ll find my place and I’ll be able to lessen my “drug use”. But until that day, I will swallow whatever it takes.
Functioning Insanity 